“I’m convinced that we could divide Christians into three groups. The first would consist of those who have doubted.

The second would be those who haven’t doubted yet but who will. The third group would be those who have completely shut off their brains!”

-Lee Strobel

How could a billion people be wrong?

That was the question that started my doubt.

After my life-changing sophomore semester, I left on my first overseas trip: a three-week study abroad program to China. The journey would expand my view of the world- and nearly shatter my simple Christian faith.

China

While touring this strange land, a few questions started to bubble up.

How much did I really understand the world?

What was this place? Why were the people (and their crazy government) so different? What do they believe about God and life?

After the drama of last semester, I thought I had finally figured out the world. But here I was walking through the biggest, oldest civilization on the planet and I knew nothing about its history or people.

Maybe there was more to life than what I knew.

If Christianity is Right, Other Religions (and People) are Wrong

I’d seen pictures of temples in Asia, but what were they but architecturally interesting houses with funny statues?

Something changed when I was in Beijing.

I remember watching an older lady walking up to thousand-year-old Buddha statue, incense in hand. Bowing. Praying.

It was just one lady. But it wasn't just one lady. To me, she represented the hundreds of millions of real people, past and present-, mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers who believed completely differently than me.

In becoming a Christian, was I saying this woman (and millions like her) were wrong?

What happened to the people that are wrong?

There are serious consequences in the bible for people who reject Jesus. Growing up in a “Christian land”, though, I didn’t really have to worry about it.

What a wake-up call to get off the plane to one billion souls who did not believe in Jesus, many of whom hadn’t even heard about him.

What would happen to them?

How did I know that any of this Christian stuff was true?

If you noticed, nowhere in my “spiritual voyage” of the last semester did I question whether Christianity was objectively true.

The “battle” of my previous semester was a battle of the will. My study-abroad created something new - a battle of the mind.

The questions started gushing out:

Why do I trust this book called the bible?
Was I interpreting my spiritual experience correctly?
What about the Buddhism, Taoism, and Confucianism I had seen (not to mention Islam, Mormonism and all the rest).
What did my new faith say about all these people?

The summer ahead would only water the seeds of confusion.

A World of Ideas

Back in the US, my internship left me alone for the summer in a small town, hours from everyone I knew. I was determined to use the summer to make sense of what was true about life and God.

Here was my plan for the summer:

June: Study World Religions
July: Study Philosophy (history, and current options)
August: Come to a conclusion

Surely three months would be plenty of time to understand the history of human thought and leave me with a clear, satisfying conclusion.

Well, I tried.

From "The Idiot's Guide to World Religions" to selections from the Q'uran and the Bhagavad Gita, then Plato and Bertrand Russell to countless Wikipedia bunny trails, I soaked up books and articles like a sponge.

Unfortunately, the more I looked, the more confused I became. It was like I was searching for a pearl of truth at the bottom of a muddy pond. The more I frantically searched, the muddier the water became.

The Agony of Doubt

This was the first time I had really thought about what life was and what eternity might entail. It was the first time I had stared down the barrel of meaninglessness or felt the weight of an idea like eternal suffering. I felt alone on the journey. It was miserable.

By the end of the summer, I was wondering things like, “How do you pray when you don't think anyone’s listening?” “How do I move forward with my life when so many fundamental questions are still unsettled?”

Coming back to school wasn’t much help, at least right away. I needed community, but I also needed answers - answers to questions that no one around me was asking.

The Slow Ascent

One of the hardest things about this life is that the most important topics are oftentimes the least clear. Out here in the wild landscape of deep truth there is no proof, only pointers. Faith will always be required (no matter what you believe).

Eventually, I made it back to committed faith.

My journey would take me through Descartes and Darwin, Calvin and Camus. It would require more time, effort, and intellectual discomfort than I could have dreamed when I set out during that lonely summer of 2007. But I have no doubt that the journey has left me with stronger faith, clearer thinking, and more compassion for people who haven’t figured it all out.

Let me share some things I’ve found along the way.

How I (almost) Lost my Faith